Words To Live By

1.13.MMXIII

Peter: *mumbles* They call me mumbles one time.
Me: What?
Peter: I SAID ONE TIME!

12.30.MMX

Todd: I wonder if I watched 2010 in 2010... I know I watched 2001 in 2001.
Me: 2001 was horrible.
Todd: What!?
Me: Yea the end was wretched with the colors.
Todd: Blasphemy
Me: No it was so bad I can do it in haiku.
technicolor crap
two thousand and one space shit
Todd: You shut your mouth now.

9.13.MMX

Patron: So can I fill a water balloon with the playdoh fun factory?
Clerk: Um, I'm not sure. I've never tried.
Patron: Hrm, Well can I attach it to my body?
Clerk: Excuse me?

7.21.MMX

Explaining to My Asian that I intended to ask the most beautiful girl I've ever seen on a date.
Me: Wish me luck with the crazy hot girl.
My Asian: Ha, go for it. I admire your balls.
Me: You always have. That has been the strong suit in our relationship.
My Asian: My love for your balls is what keeps us together.
Me: love.

5.1.MMX

Cougar: Would you like to dance?
Me: Sure
Me: So are you from here?
Cougar: yes.
Me: Do you get to travel a lot?
Cougar: Yes
Me: What's your favorite place?
Cougar: Right here... right now
Me:Odd, mine is Kauai.

2.27.MMX

Other Todd: Hey, so I saw you from across this make shift tent gazibo thing, and noticed you're not wearing a wedding band. How would you like to make another illegitimate child? Its a fair question."

Jeff: Hey! Howcome you have a big spoon and a neat straw?
Me: Have you heard of the term social currency? Its kinda like doing things or having something that makes people favor you, so you can have them do things for you.
Me: Well there is also a term sexual currency, which is the idea that the more attractive you are the more you can get the opposite sex to do for you.
Me: Jeff, that is why you got a small spoon and a lame straw.
Other Todd: That's why she just put the ball of shaved ice in your hands.
Me: And why she spit the flavors at you.
Other Todd: 'Hey, these are not even the right three flavors!'

2.24.MMX

In the living room with Jeff.
Jeff: Why does my iPod need to have a camera on it?
Me: To shoot videos?
Jeff: That's what my phone is for...

2.1.MMX

Me: You guys aren't watching porn in here are you?
Associate Pastor: Excuse me? I'm an associate pastor.
Me: I don't care what your profession is, it does not give you the right to break the house rules.

1.20.MMX

After taking some Nyquil
Dean -reading lable- : It says it may cause excitability, and on the other side... fatigue.
Me: What is excitability?
Dean: We'll to me
Me: Woo! A little cup!

10.23.2k9

At Costco ordering food
Me: Hi do you have pretzels and Icees?
Clerk: Sorry we dont have pretels and Icees.
Me: Then I'll just have a pretzel.
Clerk: We don't have pretzels...
Me: well then... I'll have an Icee.
Clerk: We don't have those either.

10.23.2k9

after washing my hands and meeting someone new
-shakes hands- Me: Sorry my hands are wet, I just used the bathroom... I peed on them. No, I'm just joking.
Me: Actually, I just killed Aqua Man... Super Villan? Check.
Me: They say blood is harder to wash off than dirt... this will just evaporate.
Them: Aqua Man wasn't made of water... he talks to fish.
Me: Not any more, he's dead. Want me to prove it? Hes in a 5 gallon bucket in my garage.

10.14.2k9

At Dinner
Me: What's this spoon for?
Micha: oh its clean, its for measuring my semen intake.
Ardell: Intake?
Todd: Semen?
Micha: Ahhh!

9.29.2k9

On the way to star gaze at Makapu'u
Me: There are no clouds out! It should be way better tonight.
Perrin: That's what you say every night.

7.3.2k9

During a dream at my house in Kaimuki
Toddimus has purchased 2 Victoria Secret Models
Me: Dude, I guess they are good for looking at but I dont think they do much.
Me: Like they cant really lift heavy things and they don't make very good sandwiches.

6.25.2k9

Me: Do I want to play Halo... or my guitar?
Matt: Let me get this straight, one could help you get chicks, the other... repels chicks.
Me: Its not the chicks I'm concerned with, its the 13 year old dudes.

6.23.2k9

Watching little fat kids run up the stairs at Walmart
Fat Mother: Stop running!
Me: That's why they are fat.

12.23.2k8

Inside of Bath and Body Works
Me: Do you have any candles that smell like an old man's pond?
Service: Um... not exactly
V2: You know, like kinda stagnant and filled with alge?
Service: We typically have fresh smelling things.

At the Disney store
Me to V2: So they have magic stuff here huh?
V2 to me: Yep
Service: Can I help you find anything?
V2: Yea, we're looking for a staff with +2 to all skills for a sorcorer, or alternativly a +2 to all skills wand for a necromancer.
Me: Its for LARPing...
Service: We don't carry anything like that here... maybe around Haloween.
V2: Its kind of important, last time our primary damage dealer died.
Service: Maybe you should check our online store... they have adult sized costumes there.

At the Triathalon Store
Service chick: So is there anything else I can help you with?
V2: Actually yea.
Me: We're trying to get into this new extreme sport...
V2: we're looking for a staff that gives +2 to all skills.
Service chick: What?
Me: Its for LARPing.
Service chick: Like in "Role Models?"
V2: Yes.
Me: Its kind of important.
Service Chick: -Incontrollable Laughter- You're actually trying to get into this?
V2: Yes. This is serious.

11.12.2k8

Tori: I'm an expert at peeing in random places.
Me: That should probably be on your resume.
Tori: Oh, it is.

Me: You're one of the few people I wish I could remember everything you say, but what I do remember borders on nothing.
Daniel-le: Yea I feel the same way about you.

Interviewer: Why are you painted completely black? Me: Oh, its part of my religion.
Interviewer: Oh what religion?
Me: African American
Interviewer: -after botched interview- I don't think you're going to be right for this company.
Me: It's because I'm black isn't it?

1.29.2k8

Interviewer: So where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: -leans over and whispers- Mexico.
Interviewer: -long stare- Why Mexico?
Me: I figure thats where I'll run.
Interviewer: Run from what?
Me: I don't know, but I know where I'll go, so thats a good start I figure.

Interviewer: So where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Your position. I figure that your boss will figure out I am more productive that you are, fire you and promote me to your position. In fact I'm going over your head now. -get up and walk out-

8.1.2k7

Guy: Seinfeld, whats wrong?
Seinfeld: Whil's comming.

Anthoni: Where are you from Patricia?
Patricia: Thats really a function of time...
Me: Her mother was a sprinter.
Greg: That explains why you're such a good water skiier.

7.31.2k7 - At a renissance fair with Nedanger and his family.

Narrator of Dante's Inferno: And thus crawled forth the master torturer of the inferno.
-A devil emerges-
Lizzy: A bunny!

7.17.2k7 - At a free massage

Therapist: Your arms are very tight.
Me: I professionally tear phone books in half.

7.10.2k7 - On the ride home from a picnic at 10pm with other interns

Daniel-le: Hahah hes drinking a huge pepsi... and hes fat!
-hysterical laughter-
Daniel-le: Oh gosh, we've been spotted.
-more laughter-
Patricia: And now his passenger is laughing.
Passenger: They so right, you so fat, maybe you should lay off the pepsi.

6.27.2k7 - I recently decided to donate blood at the blood drive at my internship...

Lady: (in regards to my internship) So what are you doing here?
Me: Donating blood...
Lady: Do you know what type of blood you have?
Me: Red...
Lady: No, what blood type...
Me: Like the kind in aliens that burns through stuff? yea that kind

Lady: Have you ever given sex for money, goods or services?
Me: So let me get this straight... I give someone sex... and they give me like six chickens?
Lady: Exactly.
Me: What the hell would I need six chickens for?

Doctor: you've got plantars fasciitis.
Me: How the hell did i get a planters vagina on my foot?
Doctor: ...
Me: I don't even know any gardeners.

Kid: Dad, I don't think this clown is very good.
Clown: And for my next trick I'll turn water... Into Urine!

Me: Hey Eric, do you have a glove?
Eric: Nope
Me: Dang I wanted to go throw
Eric: If I had a glove I'd catch with it

Me: Its been 3 days since I ran out of tooth paste and no one has noticed!
Them:
Me: ... I'm so lonely

Me: here eat this banana.
Them: -concerned look, takes-
Me: no I'm just kidding
Them: -more concerned look-
Me: give it back
Them: -more concerned look-
Me: no really, give it back -pissed look-

Them: Dude, stop yelling at the deaf guy!
Me: Why? He does'nt mind.

Me: I'd like to patent something
Lawyer: You'd need a patent attorney, I'm a divorce lawyer.
Me: Cocaine
Lawyer: Um, Sir... I can't patent that and I wouldn't
Me: Crack Cocaine, that right when someone buys some I'd like some proceeds.
Lawyer: Are you even listening to me?
Me: In fact, I have some right here if you'd like to...

I've been thinking of making a new movie based on Star Wars... well a parody of said. But like all movies we make we have no money/plot/script, except for this!
TAGGE: And what of the Squirrels? If the Squirrels have obtained a
complete technical readout of this station, it is possible, however
unlikely, that they might find a weakness and exploit it.
VADER: The plans you refer to will soon be back in our hands.
MOTTI: Any attack made by the Squirrels against this Wind Star would be a
useless gesture, no matter what technical data they've obtained. The
Wind Star is now the ultimate power in the universe. I suggest we use
it!

Because of this article i think i have found more PERVERTS!
principal: yep those sure are provocative
officer: yep turns me on
teacher: hell yea i'd do her
student: -cries-

-while sitting in class-
Some kid: ill cut you punk, i got a weapon -pulls out paper-
mike: Mr. Willis he's got a weapon!
Mr. Willis: so do I! in my pocket!
me: too bad it cant to much damage
zak: look out he's got a short sword!
Mr. Willis: NO! my keys!

-while walking to bathroom in hallway at school-
-confronted by teacher-
teacher: may i see your note?
me: here I'm just going to the bathroom
teacher: this just says "whil -> RR" with a signature, where's your id?
me: all right you caught me, i didn't have a note, i mugged whil and jumped into his body and now I'm driving him around like a car
teacher: come with me

(I currently (as of July 3, 2001 (that will end soon)) have a job at a local Kroger and I often have old people call me sir, the results...)
old man: Why hello sir
me: hey dude!
old man: I'm not a dude
me: and I'm not a Sir
old man: well I'm sorry maam

-While walking in a mall-
Me: Have you even noticed that people are looking more and more plastic?
Mike: No not really -walks his shopping cart into a lady that looks like a manikin-
-look at each other-

person1: Sir, were looking for a man who is naked and riding a gopher
Sir (to the man riding the gopher): Sir, your under arrest
Man: Why? Its my gopher.

Me: When I grow up I want to be a Giantocologist.
Them: A what?
Me: A Giantocologist, you know someone who studies giants.
Them: Are you stupid? Giants aren't real.
Me: Not as stupid as the person paying me.