Words To Live By

These are my theories, and only my theories.
If you feel that you should share them then I commend you
for that, but you must know
that they are all based on pure coincidence
or events that I have witnessed.


I thought I had nailed a sweet job as a conductor for a 3 ring circus. I watched a bunch of videos on what makes a circus good and then added some of my own material. I went to the auditions which had a few animals and a small crowd in order to give it an authentic feel. I discovered that one of the biggest bangs for my buck that I could get was to have an elephant count. So I said "count to two" and the elephant stomped twice. People cheered, so I thought 'too easy.' So again I said 'count to two' and this time my... handicapped clown stomped twice. I've never received a call back.


Seinfeld, no matter how much I despise him is one of my cosmic triplets. That's why he steals my jokes, or I tell his, never having seen anything he's done. Which means if I ever became so frustrated with him, that I would attempt to assonate him he'd know I was coming.

Oddly I remembered this in history today (oct 15, 2k4)... Remember when you were back in elementary school and the teacher would give you a note to deliver written in cursive writing and you had to deliver it. Those were notes telling that teacher to kill you. Think about it, you have no idea what it said... you were definitely delivering your own death note.

If you are driving in a city with grid like streets (they are squares) then if you go left 3 times what have you might as well done? Go right. So 3 lefts make a right, along with this 3 wrongs must make a right. And therefore a third copy is actually an original.

The rules of etiquette and the rules of engagement were conceived at the same time. You know that the fork and knife go on different sides of the plate, but which goes where? Well if you were to attack someone you'd want the knife right? and there is a 9 in 10 chance you are right handed, so you'd want it on the right hand side. So it is. And glasses and your bread plate are on different sides. Again if you wish to assault someone by hitting them with your water which hand are you going to use? That's right, glasses go on the right hand side as well.

Christmas Elves Breed A-Sexually. This is why they always are fairly covered in thick materials. Its not cute, they are covering up their buds, buds that look like tumors. But they are not tumors, they are other elves.

Fact: your hands are mirror images of each other. Now why are your hands mirror images of each other? Because of the opposable thumbs. If you did not have thumbs they would not be mirror images, just super imposable. Now based off of the fact that your hands are mirror images because of your thumbs, we can relate this to vampires. Fact: Vampires do not have mirror images. Why? Because they do not have thumbs.

Rabies: Small Mammal narcotics.
That's right. When you see that poor raccoon out in the street chasing little kids, he does not HAVE rabies, hes ON rabies. Just like teenagers on a frenzy for drugs so raccoons follow the same trends. Simply put, they think it makes them cool, and in the long run gets them dead. They all sit around the Grand Poomba Raccoon "biting up." They slap their skinny little arms then have the Grand Poomba bite them. This then makes them "rabid." Common symptoms are thinking they can stop cars, ability to fly, lack of need for sleep, excessive drool, munchies (in which they hunger for BLOOD!). So next time this little critter takes a chunk out of your leg realize that its not crazy, rather whacked out of its mind.

You all see those commercials where people are bleeding Gatorade. Maybe there is something really wrong with those people, like lack of vitamins or something. Instead of filming them maybe you should call a doctor, they probably really really need help.

People are becoming more and more dependant on their computers, people download movies rather than go to them, meet people on line rather than meet them in person, have cyber... well you get the point. People are becoming way too dependent on their computers. So instead of fighting it I have came up with what people are going to evolve into.
People are going to :

  • have 36 fingers (18 on each hand) so that they don't have to move their arms to type.
  • Translucent skin so that they are able to get necessary vitamins, instead of from the sun, from monitor radiation.
  • of course they all will be overweight and have suffered massive atrophied.
  • A third arm will be on the person for the mouse only with 3 to 6 fingers on the hand (dependant on mouse buttons).
  • Bald with no sex drive for it was wasted becoming sterile from the monitor radiation.
  • Babies will be made in tubes in Peru.
  • The eyes will be concave so that the curved monitors look flat, and they will have no need of peripheral vision.
  • The spelling part of the brain will be replaced by a list of Acronymns.


My first theory I devised, I came up with about 2 years ago. It is simply that Orientals are vampires. There is all the proof in the world that this is true, if you look around you will notice that they all look the same. And there are about a billion or so of them. This is because they started out with about 100 or so of them in the world. They will bite a non oriental and then that person will turn into an asian.  This can be seen by the careful interrogation of their names.  My prime example is 2 Asians that I came across, they look identical, people can not tell them apart, and their names are... Abe and Yeshow.  I believe that Abe use to be a 6' 7" athelete.  Please be aware of this and don't let Asians bite you!

The second theory is just that a theory, it has been tested but those who do, do not ever return. It is of the horrors most people know only as the squirrel. They travel in packs, knowing that they are strong like that. If you ever notice a squirrel standing in the open take note, there are more around. The one you are staring at is the point squirrel, there is no way to avoid him. He will stand and look at you trying to draw the distraction from his counter parts. What ever you do try to take your eyes off of the point squirrel else they will be able to surround you, then you have lost the game, and they will kill you. If you can get away from them do so quickly, but what ever you do for god's sake don't attack the point. Flocks upon flocks of squirrels will attack you.

Have you ever wondered why people live in god forsaken cities, hell even the state of North Dakota. There is no reason people would live in cities where there is nothing to do. But the people who own the cities need people to live there, so that they can make money. The quickest way for them to keep people in those cities is to put crack in the water. It is flavored like chlorine but, trust me, it is a drug, a drug that you have to have in order to stay sane. This is the only reason that people would stay in horrible cities that have nothing to do but go to places where your closed in a room with a computer all day long.

If you dug a hole to the center of the earth, well about a mile past it, so that you are digging up a mile, then climbed back out your hole and jumped in; You would fall to then past the center of the earth. Once you stopped falling, back and forth you would float. It'd be like flying!! GO AHEAD AND PROOVE ME WRONG! DO IT

I read that dogs are smarter than cats. And this has to be true, cats are too dumb to have fun it is said, they only do things to waste energy, while a dog will play with you till it is tired but not to be tired. The best way, to prove this theory which I will not do is to take an example from a chicken. A chicken is SO stupid that when you cut its head off it runs around, its true. That's because it is so primitive it is too stupid to stay dead. The same is true for a cat, but if you decapitate a dog it is smart enough to stay dead.

I use to be a duck

Long ago Charles Darwin came up with a theory, Survival of the fittest. I think that this strongly applies to humans. Look at it this way some people are so mentally inferior they will do drugs, and try to beat trains. Both instances seem to be completely unrelated, but are they. In the town where I live there is a stretch of road for about 5 miles with train rails running parallel, you can see the whole 5 miles if it is not humid, in the middle there is a crossing. It use to be unmarked, just a crossing, no signs no lites no nothing, just a road going over the tracks. Some person decided to take it upon them selves to try to beat a freight train going at a blazing fifteen miles per hour. This person had to come to a complete stop to turn at the tracks there fore must have seen the train; This person then tried to cross the tracks before the train. She was hit and killed after being dragged 2 miles by the train so that it could stop. This has happened once here so it must have happened other places. Now to mark the crossing there are 8 large red stop signs. If this person was dumb enough to try to beat a train going 15 miles per hour, would she have stopped with the signs there? This is where Darwin's theory comes into play. She died because she was dumb as a rock, a small one (lager ones are genius' but can not talk or write). This is easily proof that Darwin's theory affects people, people dumb enough to race trains and despite all warnings, do drugs, PLEASE THINK SOME TIME PEOPLE!

For something to exist you have to be able to sense it with 2 of your senses. There for there are many things that are not real and i have made a list of things that don't exist but you think they do and cant be proved real.