"Foppishly dressed man reeking like an adolescent teen boy survives 102 story fall. Thatís you, ya know, youíre lucky to be alive.Ē I ignore the man in white trying to instruct me because the metal bird with the wheels for feet told me not to listen to him. Come to think of it, itís more of a metal dog looking creature that sounds like a bird. It just sits there all knowing by the teal shroud that kept the other white people from looking at me. It seems he knows about my current dilemma. The men in white have turned me into a mummy and paralyzed me. The metal bird said that I can move again if I tell you why Iím here, and what happened, so lets begin near the end of the beginning.
Thereís John again, you know heís been sitting there since Jesus. Just sitting in that same pile of trash, reading his newspaper. I know though, he cant read, Iím sure he just looks at the pictures, or watches them talk, they talk so well.
"Nothing much... had a long day." There they go again... the bricks and fire escapes are melting.
"Man still after you huh?"
"Yea heís keeping me down, but Iíve almost got him figured out."
"Who do you think it is?" John asks as the paper licks his hand, he puts down the paper.
"God, or the police... I know its them because they use words I donít know, so Iím sure its not me."
"I thought you said it was the jamming cows?"
"No... no, they donít seem to talk much anymore, let alone play like they use to."
"Tough break, I heard they rocked"
"Yea, they really did, probably smoked. That makes people not sing anymore."
"TOP OF THE MORNING TO YOU!!" the lid yells at me from his home atop the roughneck garbage can. I try to ignore him, Iím not supposed to listen to him, Garbage Man said so. Sure did, said heíd come and take the computer if I talked to the lid any more.
"... I said TOP OF THE MORNING TO YOU!!!"
"Youíre sure you donít hear that?" I asked John, trying to ignore the lid who had started to spin really fast.
"Yea man, Iím sure that the garbage can lid isnít talkingÖĒ
Pew pew pew, the 80ís laser light sounds seem to roar through the alley making the bricks ripple in excitement. Suddenly the lid flies away in a burst of pink beams.
"Tomorrow is another day,Ē the old tabby says leaning against the wall smoking a joint. As he blows a heart at me he mutters, "Sure is another day..." as he seems to dream of licking baby birds.
"You know," he declares, ď Iím sure youíll find the man, all you really need to do is stare at peopleÖĒ
"And how do you know this will work?Ē I ask the cat who has started to dance.
"Well thatís simple Frank, if they look at you when you are staring at them they are a robot. Only robots will look right at you when you stare at them for a long time, how else would they know? But remember Frank, robots have ray guns, only way to protect yourself is to use the Oracle."
The cat did have a good point. How did they know when I was looking at them? Therefore the rest of his proposition must be correct, and some how I have to get the ray guns away from the robots. As I tried to remember where the Oracle was the spiders began to sing... they always sing me to sleep.
The rumble of the wheels woke me, or the screaming Styrofoam cups in the jaws of the monster truck. There he was the Garbage Man, just leering at me, probably wanted my new pants. You know its not every day you find pants with your name written on them... "Perry Ellis". I know thatís not my name, but they probably cant spell.
"What do you want?Ē I ask the man.
"Just here to get the garbage, donít worry about me.Ē He threatens me.
"Oh ok... the lid is gone," I hesitate to inform him.
"No its not,Ē he says as he puts the lid back on to the garbage can. Curses, he always wishes to test me, to torment me.
As Garbage Man turns to leave I heard his belt buckle yell back to me ďFind the Oracle!!Ē
Thus it was and is. I knew what I needed to do. Find the Oracle. With that I put on my pants, my screaming shirt, the socks the wishing well gave me and the shoes that the power lines gave me. They make me run faster because they have speed holes in them. I knew if I found the Oracle Iíd have to have gifts. I got out the computer and pulled from it the little blue feathers that the angel dropped from the big window building with a dead bird. Iím not sure what the dead bird was for, but Iím sure the feathers were important. I kept both to be safe.
With that I headed out into the street, the suns were up. Both of them were smiling at me, probably because everything is better with two scoops of raisins. I started down the street. All the spirits were running up and down the black road. "You can make it, you can make it, you can make it.Ē Thatís what they chant at me. However I canít make it. I found that out the really hard way, twice. Theyíre crafty mean spirits.
As my shirt started to scream obscenities at the other people I thought to myself if I were the where would I be? Then I realized where I had seen it many moons ago; Down town, inside the maze of glass and angry people. I didnít want to go but the belt buckle and the cat both had told me I had to.
I hate going down town into the maze, mostly because of the moat that smells like old newspapers that had fish in them. The moat makes me walk on the bridge with the angry spirits telling me to make it. Some times they put a hex on me, and I try to make it and then white and red flashy angels come and take me to the white house. But that was not going to happen this time. I walked across the bridge holding the feathers from the angel as tight as I could without crushing their little fibers. I could tell when I squeezed too hard because theyíd cry.
Once across the bridge the yellow spirits started to appear. Theyíre the worst of all, theyíll bite you without thinking twice, and bring the red and white flashy spirits. I couldnít let that happen this time. I had to make it to the Oracle. I saw one of the feeders in a small hut with wheels. I took one of the gifts of food he brings to the other people but he didnít like this at all. He started to yell for me to stop when I walked away so I rushed into the river of spirits. I was able to make it through the spirits and over the river without him getting me. As my breath tried to crawl back inside me I saw it. The Oracle. It towered above all of the other glass towers and poked its giant head out of the maze. ďCOME TO ME!Ē it commanded.
I started towards the Oracle, through the maze of glass and people playing the walk into you game. Iím pretty good at it, sometimes I can even make the people fall over. Thatís when I dance like a touchdown scorer over them and strut down the street letting my shirt tell them what it thinks of them. As I made my way through the maze I tried to avoid the gaze of the people medusa had frozen in the windows, fearing that somehow they could curse me to their fate: To stand forever behind a force field wearing the same clothes for all of eternity.
When I finally made it to the Oracle its giant orange nametag illuminated everything around it. The dizzy doors stuck in the Oracleís feet were laughing and telling the people to run through them. It looked to me like thatís how I was supposed to get inÖ boy was I wrong.
"Sir youíre not allowed in here," the Clint Eastwood said to me as he put his hand on his ray gun. He saw me so fast he must be a robot I thoughtÖ living in the Oracle. I hoped I was not too late.
"You donít understand," I tried to explain. "The tabby told me I had to come here and talk to the Oracle. Given, he was high, but the belt buckle on Garbage Man said the same thing!" He just threw me out of the door that just kept laughing and spinning in circles.
"Get in my belly" the Oracle thundered at me. I knew how Iíd get in, well at least I thought. The newspaper had told me how to do it before. I got into a big old plastic bag that was in one of the garbage cans and lay outside of the building. Bad idea let you tell me! Not only did I not get in, more Clint Eastwoods came and prodded me threatening, ďwe thought you were dead.Ē
As I sat on the curb across from the Oracle my feet dangling onto the black river I noticed a yellow metal bird with a person tattooed on its chest perched on a giant metal tree. "Beep, Beep, Bee, Bee the, Bee the billboard," it chirped at me. And low and behold there it was. A full size picture of a giant towered over the street. He had my pants on only he looked like the other people that walked in and out of the Oracle for the last two days. I studied the giant, I can still see him on my eyelids, he was so big how could I forget him? I needed a shirt that did not scream profanities at everyone, shoes without speed holes and x-ray glasses, my pants were fine.
"Over here," John yelled to me. I donít know how he got to the center of the maze but there he was, huddled over a man in a pile of garbage. The man seemed to be asleep but he had everything I needed to get into the Oracle. I debated if I should take his clothes; I know how weird it is to wake up somewhere nakedÖ not pleasant let you me tell. But then the old tabby dangled down by his tail from a lamppost still smoking his joint and told me it was ok, everyone wakes up naked sometimes, I was just helping the guy have an experience. I took his shirt, shoes and blue x-ray glasses. I removed his pants too and put them deep in a pile of trash just to finish the naked effect. But as luck would have it thatís where I found something unexpected. I had found a can with a weapon in it. ďAxeĒ it read, so I sprayed it allover my body and new clothes.
The tabby gave me a big purple thumbs up. I knew I was good to go.
"You smell like a million ducks!" John congratulated me as I passed him.
"Thanks, I used that whole weapon can on me, I should smell like a clean kitten," I said with pride and walked back across the river towards the Oracle ignoring the spirits that swooped around me screaming.
I strutted through the laughing doors into the immense cavern in the Oracle with giant golden pictures painted on the walls. I looked right at Clint Eastwood through my x-ray glasses and knew he would not make me fly away this time. Still though I was not sure what I needed to do now that I was inside the Oracle.
"Psst... over here," the clock whispered with shifty eyes. I only had to look at him once and I knew what he was trying to tell me. He pointed both left and up, more up than leftÖ and thatís how I knew where to go. I climbed up the mountain inside the Oracle till I got to the top of his head.
Low and behold there was a smaller face with eyes on both sides that spoke to me. "Cottage cheese is the only way. The ray guns on the robots cant. Thank you for bringing the feathers from the angels to me, use them to fly home."
So thatís what I did, jumped right off of Oracles head. The feathers didnít do much no matter how hard I flailed my arms. One of the yellow spirits tried to catch me. Thatís about all I remember of that. Thinking back Iím sure I should have just flapped harder, Iíll have to try again. Now for the metal bird to let me move again, I hope itís all right. Since the white man gave me the magic beans all its said is ďbeep beep beepĒ every time my soul bounces.